


Brandish Your Weapon

by MioyatThePineapple



Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Crack, Gen, I honestly have no idea how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 07:39:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16383992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MioyatThePineapple/pseuds/MioyatThePineapple
Summary: Vaike challenges both Chrom and the status quo one morning.





	Brandish Your Weapon

**This Morning is Looking to be a Bit Long**

===

The morning had started in a rather unorthodox fashion: Chrom woke up with a slight headache from oversleeping, which was perhaps the first sign that he should’ve prepared himself for an even larger one soon to come.

A word on the day to day morning routines for the Shepherds: only a few actually have them (the exception to this, of course, is wartime, where everyone is up at the crack of dawn, but given opportunities to set their own schedules…). The rest would all be classified as noon at earliest, and for a Tactician who stayed up so late reading, planning, studying, and sometimes all three at once, his schedule is practically nocturnal. Cordelia, the ever-perfectionist, rises with the sun and goes to bed with it as well: doing even half of her self-assigned duties requires energy that simply won’t come if you don’t get enough rest. Frederick is also usually awake before everyone else, cooking breakfast and clearing pebbles away from grounds where lethargic lords might stumble (and clumsy pegasus knights as well, but that’s more of a happy coincidence: Chrom is still the main priority.) And sometimes, when the masses drag themselves into the mess hall for a collective early lunch (or early dinner, in Robin’s case), the aroma of Maribelle’s favorite tea still hangs thick in the air. 

So- in saying that he’s a morning person- Chrom is pretty alone on that, actually.

But that day, he woke up at the same time as everyone else: late. Or later than usual, which meant after sunrise, and that was  _ practically _ late for him. There was a dull throbbing in his temples as he trudged across a pebbleless path to the mess hall.

Perhaps the second sign was the shouting.

Chrom opened the door, staring at the ground. Looked up to see what the commotion was about. And then- he was suddenly wide awake (the headache, however, only got stronger).

He was greeted by Vaike.  _ All _ of him, in fact. In more detail than Chrom had ever been curious about. 

“Chrom!” Maribelle shrieked, her face doing a fair impression of a lime. “Tell this- this buffoon- this  _ clodhopper _ , this  _ walking violation of public decency _ \- to put on some clothes immediately!!”

“...”

“Maribelle, Maribelle! You just don’t get it!” Vaike turned towards Chrom, kissing one of his biceps. “The Vaike isn’t violating public decency….he’s showing everyone the  _ truth _ .”

“More than  _ just _ the truth,” Sumia murmured. “A bit more than we’d like to know, actually…” 

“What- what  _ truth _ is this?” Maribelle seethed. 

For a moment, Vaike actually seemed- contemplative. Perhaps for the first time, even. 

“Robin reclassed the Vaike into a Warrior yesterday,” Vaike said, lowly. The weight of his words was broken somewhat by the sound of Lissa retching into her toast in the background. “It was a moment of- great personal pride, for the Vaike. He asked Robin if he should- get new gear, like everyone else did when they upgraded. And then Robin said-” Vaike brought his hands close to his barer-than-usual chest- “‘Nah.’” Enlightened tears welled up in the only pair of eyes in the room that hadn’t been permanently scarred. “That was when the Vaike realized...that he was perfect the way he was. And Robin knew it too…Clothing is just a way for man to oppress his fellow man. All it does is lead to bitterness and hatred.” He gestured to Maribelle. “I mean, Maribelle here just judged me for what I was wearing!”

“You mean what you  _ aren’t _ wearing!!”

“Exactly.” Vaike nodded solemnly. “All clothing does is create divisions between us. It’s just a means for the higher-ups to make us feel ashamed of who we  _ really are!! _ ” He punctuated his statement with a thrust of the hips, causing more people to join Lissa. “No shame in being naked! No shame in showing what we are!”

“A dick,” someone from the back called. Vaike snorted and glared.

“You’re a prince, Chrom,” Nowi said, without meeting her captain in the eye, because it would’ve meant having to look in the general direction of what was the most horrifying thing she had witnessed in her thousand year lifespan. “You can force him to put on clothes- right?”

“That would be a violation of the Vaike’s rights!” Vaike declared.

“You’re violating my eyes!” Sully snapped.

“Chrom wouldn’t force the Vaike to lower himself back into oppression.” Puffing out his chest with something that might’ve been _ pride _ and extending an arm, as if inviting Chrom to join him, “He and the Vaike are the best of buddies! Chrom knows the truth too!”

Chrom stared at Vaike’s hand. Contemplated his choices and whether or not it had been a mistake to wake up at all that morning. He raised a hand-

-reached up to his pauldron. Unbuckled it. Metal hit the ground, followed by the cape. Vaike’s anticipating smile grew slower than the horror of the rest of the onlookers.

The buttons of his shirt followed. He folded it neatly and laid it on the table. Vaike’s smile continued to increase. The horror, on the other hand, began to somewhat (and somewhat  _ interestedly _ ) fade.

Boots were slowly pulled off, as if delaying the inevitability he had resigned himself to would somehow change the result. Then socks. Pants, also folded and laid on the table, and what was underneath- and by the time he finished, there was a definitive role reversal in the audience. 

A blush had slowly crept up Vaike’s neck- he looked as much like a tomato as Maribelle had earlier a lime, except now they were  _ both _ \- bright red. He looked Chrom up and down. 

Everyone else- looked up eventually. 

From somewhere in the back, there was a whistle.

“Vaike,” Chrom said, a weariness in his voice that had nothing to do with oversleeping. “Put your clothes on.”

Thoroughly trounced, Vaike nodded in shame. He exited the mess hall and left behind a deafening silence.

Chrom sat down and pulled his pants back on- much to the visible disappointment of some of the onlookers.

Softly, “Wow.”

Almost whispered, “Does Robin…?”

“The day is saved,” Chrom droned, grabbing his shirt. “I have conquered.”

“You can conquer me-”

“SHH! He’s married!”

He slipped on the last of his clothing. Stood. Felt the weight of all the eyes in the room on his, to their dismay, clothed back. 

And then- he made his way to the exit.

“W-Wait! Your highness, where are you going?”

“I’m going back to bed. I’ve done enough for the public safety of Ylisse today.”

***

“Wow,” Robin said, sleepily, rubbing his eyes. It was only a bit past noon, and thus too early for him to be fully awake, no matter how fantastical the tale recounted to him. “I can’t help but feel there’s a moral to this story…”

“Vaike isn’t allowed to have nice things.” The words were muffled somewhat by the fact that the speaker was trying to smother them- and maybe himself- in a pillow.

“...” Robin smiled and laid down beside Chrom. Yawned. “Maybe it’s that...if you’re going to show off your body...you should make sure you have a body worth showing off…”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I have neither explanations nor apologies


End file.
